# The Courage to Be Disliked **Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga** | [[Foundations]]  --- > "We do not lack ability. We just lack courage." Adlerian psychology collapses every excuse into this single diagnosis. You're not trapped by your past, your personality, or your circumstances. You're trapped by the choice not to change—because changing requires courage you've decided not to summon. > "For a human being, the greatest unhappiness is not being able to like oneself." And here's the kicker: you dislike yourself *on purpose*. Not because you're objectively lacking, but because self-loathing gives you an excuse to avoid the interpersonal relationships you're terrified of entering. > "You are not living to satisfy other people's expectations." Full stop. Living for others' approval is living other people's lives. Freedom—real freedom—is the courage to be disliked. --- ## Core Ideas ### [[Teleology vs Aetiology]] Adler rejects trauma as deterministic (aetiology) and argues we act toward **present goals** (teleology). You're not a victim of your past; you're using your past selectively to justify current choices. > "No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences—the so-called trauma—but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes." We cannot alter objective facts. But subjective interpretations can be altered as much as one likes. The world isn't objective—we live in subjective worlds we've given meaning to. Change is always possible because what changes is not the world, but your interpretation of it. ### [[Separation of Tasks]] All interpersonal problems come from either intruding on others' tasks or letting them intrude on yours. What another person thinks of you—if they like you or dislike you—that is that person's task, not mine. You cannot control how others judge you, so stop trying. Do not force change on others whilst ignoring their intentions—it only creates resistance. The liberating question: **Whose task is this?** If it's not yours, let it go. ### [[Community Feeling]] Happiness equals **the feeling of contribution**. Not being praised, not being recognised—just the subjective sense of "I am of use to someone." > "Labour is not a means of earning money. It is through labour that one makes contributions to others and commits to one's community, and that one truly feels 'I am of use to someone' and even comes to accept one's existential worth." Three pillars: **Self-Acceptance** (accept what is irreplaceable, change what can be changed), **Confidence in Others** (unconditional trust as the foundation for horizontal relationships), and **Contribution to Others** (labour is not income; it's existential worth). > "Feeling that one has one's own place of refuge within the community; feeling that 'it's okay to be here'—these are basic human desires." But here's the trap: you cannot *receive* a sense of belonging. You earn it by actively committing to the community—by contributing, not by being. ### [[Vertical vs Horizontal Relationships]] If you're building even one vertical relationship (superior/inferior), you'll treat all relationships as vertical. This breeds competition. When one is conscious of competition and victory and defeat, feelings of inferiority are inevitable. Healthy striving equals progressing past who you are now, not competing with others. > "The moment one is convinced that 'I am right' in an interpersonal relationship, one has already stepped into a power struggle." The alternative: horizontal relationships built on equality, where others are comrades, not competitors. --- ## Key Insights **Change is possible at any moment—but people don't change because they choose not to.** What's missing is not competence but courage: courage to be happy, to act differently, to risk disapproval. Adlerian psychology is a psychology of courage. Staying unhappy is *easier* because it's familiar—change means anxiety and unpredictability. **Inferiority feelings are healthy when directed at your ideal self, toxic when used to compare yourself to others.** Superiority complex equals masking insecurity by flaunting borrowed power. Stop living on borrowed value systems—"If only I had X, I'd be successful" is just an excuse. Healthy pursuit of superiority equals walking forward on a flat plane, not climbing over others. **The desire for recognition traps you in dependence on others' approval.** > "Freedom is being disliked by other people." What should one do to not be disliked by anyone? Constantly gauge other people's feelings whilst swearing loyalty to all of them—an impossible, unfree existence. Living in fear of relationships falling apart is living for other people. **Work equals any contribution (childrearing, hobbies, community service)—not just employment.** The life-lie: "It's busy at work, so I don't have enough time to think about my family" (using work to avoid other responsibilities). Worth comes from the subjective feeling of contribution, not external validation. **Life is a series of moments, not a linear narrative.** > "We can live only in the here and now." Focusing on the past or future is a way to avoid living earnestly in the present. The greatest life-lie: not living here and now. If I change, the world will change. No one else will change the world for me. --- ## Connects To - [[Ego Is The Enemy]] - Both emphasise letting go of ego-driven competition and the need for external validation - [[Antifragile]] - Shares the rejection of victimhood and the emphasis on what you can control (interpretation, not events) - [[The Fifth Discipline]] - Community feeling parallels systems thinking: seeing yourself as part of a larger whole rather than competing parts - [[Black Box Thinking]] - Teleology over aetiology: focusing on present goals rather than being trapped by past failures - [[Nine Lies About Work]] - Challenges the idea that recognition and praise drive performance; contribution creates worth --- ## Final Thought You are unhappy by choice. Not because of your past, your personality, or your circumstances—but because you lack the courage to change. This isn't a moral failing; it's a diagnosis. Stop living for others' approval. The desire for recognition is a trap that turns your life into a performance. Real freedom is being disliked and being fine with it. Stop competing. Vertical relationships breed inferiority complexes. Horizontal relationships—where others are comrades, not rivals—create community feeling. Stop deferring life. The past and future are fictions. Life exists only in the present moment, and happiness is simply the feeling of contribution. Adler's claim that the greatest unhappiness is not being able to like oneself—and that we *choose* self-loathing as a defence mechanism. You dislike yourself so you don't have to risk interpersonal relationships. You fixate on your shortcomings so you have an excuse not to try. You use the past as a life-lie to avoid the present. This isn't a book about self-improvement. It's about stripping away excuses. You can change. You can be happy. You can contribute. What you lack isn't ability—it's courage.